Chapter Twenty-Eight

Something That Can Save Us

Okay, so I was I falling in love. No biggie. Right? Right. My thoughts whirled around and around as I zombied my way to the car. It seemed like being in love was something I should have been aware of. But, honestly, it hadn’t even occurred to me until Ira had put it into words. I wasn’t that pathetic, was I?

Apparently, I was.

I finally reached my car but all I could do was let my forehead fall against the roof. My sword dropped from my grip, and I brought up my arms to cover my head. I could feel whole-body tremors, and it was taking everything I had to stay upright. That was a bit of a problem when I felt my eyes start to sting.

Letting myself sink to the ground, I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face in them. It wasn’t the most dignified position in the world but it kept the tears at bay.

Jesus, St. James, get a hold of yourself, I thought. You always knew there was only one way this could end.

But why? Why? Ira was a good guy, hell he was a better person than me by far. But he was also a vampire, which, monster, but no relationship is perfect. I raised my head and rested it against my car door. Was I really contemplating this? Could I find a way to make it work?

In all honesty, I doubted it. One of us would probably kill the other some day, but then shit like that happened to normal people, no vampire included. Of course, in order for him to kill me he’d have to win a fight, which I had just demonstrated would not be as easy as he thought. Or he would have to bite me. The idea of that sent a shudder down my spine that wasn’t entirely all fear. I’d been bitten before, I’d even enjoyed it sometimes. It wasn’t necessarily the end of the world.

God, was I really saying that being a vampire wasn’t a deal-breaker? It used to not matter. What I told Ira had been true, I had killed vampires I liked before.

Sighing, I climbed to my feet. I didn’t know what to do. Even if I could convince myself to go forward with this, Ira hadn’t acted like he wanted any part of it. Hell, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough.

I needed someone to talk to about this, but who could I go to? Anyone in my hunter’s circle would think I was crazy for even considering it, and none of the normal humans I knew had ever fallen in love with a vampire.

And then the light went on above my head.

Holly’s diner was locked when I got there, she wasn’t open on Sundays, but there was a car in the back, hopefully hers. I pounded on the door, and waited for a bit. Cupping my hands around my eyes I bent to the glass. I didn’t see anyone moving around inside. Prayer wasn’t usually my thing, but I pleaded with whomever was listening that somebody would—

“Regan?” came Holly’s voice from the side of the building.

I jerked backwards so fast I almost fell on my ass. “Jesus, Holly, you scared the piss out of me.”

She cast a soft smile. “Sorry. I was around back taking out some trash. You need something?”

Breath stuck in my throat. Now that I was here I wasn’t sure what to say to her. But Holly was no moron, and she sensed that something had happened.

“Ah,” she nodded. “So we’ve reached that point already.”

She beckoned, and I went. She was wearing a stained t-shirts and khaki shorts, her curly dark hair up in a pony-tail. We walked around the building and went in the back door, which was laying propped open. A bucket of water and a mop were sitting off to the side in the kitchen, which I guess explained the grubby clothes.

“I always scrub the place down fanatically on Sundays,” she said. “You can cop a sit on the grill, it’s clean.”

For a split second I wondered if this was some modern day Hansel and Gretel—she’d get me on the grill and then throw it on high, cackling all the while. But that was stupid, no grill heated up fast enough to kill someone. I hoisted myself up, and squirmed around to get comfortable.

“Now,” Holly said, dunking the mop in her bucket. “Why don’t you tell me what happened.”

“Uh, well,” I began awkwardly. “I guess you should know first of all that I’m a hunter.”

“I suspected,” she said. “Go on.”

I described my confession to Ira in the park, and followed it up with our battle on the ridge. I left out the part about nearly slicing his head off, though I kept as many other details as I could remember. As I wound down she gave up any pretense of mopping, resting her hands on the top of the handle and watching me.

“And that’s what happened,” I finished lamely.

When it became apparent I wasn’t going to say anything else, she said, “I see.”

Stowing the mop, she came over and propped her hip against the grill. I was shaking again, so I clutched my hands together to make it less noticeable. Holly, I’m sure, picked up on it regardless.

“The question you’re undoubtedly thinking is ‘now what?’” she said.

“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted quietly. “I’m still not sure how I feel. Actually, no. I’m kinda pissed that he’s acting like I’m the only one not telling the whole truth.”

Holly smiled. “Sometimes my son needs a minute to clue in.”

“Tell me about it,” I murmured, then sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to dump this on you, but you’re the only human to have ever been with a vampire that I know. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“It’s not easy,” she replied. “And you are unfamiliar with our customs, which will your complicate things even more. If you decide to purse this, that is.”

“How did you decide?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t too forward.

“When I fell in love with Ira’s father, it was frowned upon,” Holly said. “It was considered reaching beyond my station. My parents weren’t of much status in the house, and Darren was blood-brother of the Primus’ favorite.”

“So what did you do?” I was interested in this story despite my own problems.

“I worked hard to become foremost of the females in the house,” she said, smiling wistfully. “By that time, Darren’s brother was the Primus, and it was expected I would become his Consort.”

“How’d you end up with Ira’s dad, then?”

“I got pregnant,” she said simply. “Vampires with a high enough sperm-count to impregnate human females are rare. By House law Darren and I could not be separated, the hope being that we’d conceive again.”

Stowing away this little bit of vampire lore, I said, “I can’t imagine Darren’s brother was too happy with that.”

She shrugged. “They were blood-brothers, they worked it out. It got simpler, for a time, after we invited Rurik to our bed.”

My eyebrows rose, which she noticed with a grin. It made her look foxy and mischievous.

“But that’s neither here nor there.” She brought my attention back to the present with a wave of her hand. “The point of this was that if you love my son and want to make it work with him, there’s a way. There’s always a way, but it may not be anything like what you’d envisioned. If you love him enough, let nothing stop you. On the other hand, if you cannot let go of your past and hunter lifestyle enough to give it a fair go, then leave now. Get out of House territory while you can because once you’re in it’s nigh impossible to get out.”

I gestured around us. “You managed it. You don’t live in the House anymore.”

Holly looked away. “And it cost me more than you could ever fathom.”

Silence stretched between us, both of lost in our own thoughts. Finally I thought of something it might be good to know.

“Is there,” I started, unsure of how to word it. “Is there, like, a time limit I’m working with here?”

She looked back at me. “What do you mean?”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “If I don’t get back to Ira in a certain amount of time will he take it that I’ve moved on?”

“Not any longer or shorter than a human would,” she said. “There’s no set limit in Vampire culture.”

“Vampire culture.” I shook my head. “It’s weird to think like that.”

“Yes,” Holly agreed. “For most humans dating their first vampire can be quite a culture shock.”

My eyes caught hers, and I looked quickly away. Well, hell, St. James. Look a little guiltier.

“Regan?” she said gently.

It took me forever to find the words. I hadn’t talked about it since it happened, not even with Milly.

I ground out, “He—Ira, I mean…He wasn’t my fist vampire.” My voice had died by the end, but she obviously got the gist.

She moved a little closer, comfort in her presence. “What happened?”

Images danced behind my eyes, faces and places I hadn’t let myself think of in a long time. “It was a couple months ago. I was with my partner then. We were investigating some rogue vampires that were gathering together under a new leader. I infiltrated their group, and wormed my way into their leader’s trust.”

“Ah, the rogues in California.” Holly’s voice was both thoughtful and appraising, and she looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time. “That was you?”

“It was me,” I said flatly. “I acted like a vamp tramp so I could get close to him.”

“Did he bite you?”

“Yes.”

Holly’s thumb brushed my neck. “You’re not marked.”

“He never bound the wound.”

“Why?” she asked, though she must have known the answer.

“I killed him.” To my horror, I felt wetness building in my eyes, but I hurriedly blinked it away. “I let him fuck me, bite me, and trust me, but when the word came down I completed my mission. I made the moment mine, and I killed him.”

“But you were only with him in the first place because of the mission,” Holly pointed out.

“Does that matter?” The vehemence of my own voice surprised me. “Is that the kind of person I want to be? I’ve seen the hunters who are nothing but the mission, and I won’t be that guy.”

“For what it’s worth,” Holly said, “I don’t think you are that person.”

“You don’t know that,” I protested. “You don’t know me.”

“You had a chance to kill my son, and you didn’t.”

“I wanted to,” I confessed. “Everything in me was telling me to.”

She leaned in, placing her hand on my leg, and looking me square in the eye. “You had a chance to kill my son,” she said. “And you didn’t.”

I jumped off the grill, and spun to face her. “You’re acting like I stopped myself, like it was some noble gesture, but that’s not it. It’s not that I wouldn’t do it—I couldn’t do it. We were fighting, and I was in the moment. Everything was going my way, I damn near pushed him off the mountain. My every instinct was screaming at me to take his head, and I almost did. He didn’t have a prayer, and I didn’t stop and think ‘maybe this is a personal spat getting out of hand.’ I didn’t say to myself ‘oh, this is the man I could potentially love, I better not kill him.’ It wasn’t any of that. My body was just frozen, all right? He was bleeding on the end of my sword, and I just flat couldn’t do it!”

My voice echoed in the small kitchen as I stomped away from her. I stopped a few feet away, regaining my breath from that ramble.

Rubbing my hands over my eyes, I croaked, “God, I can’t believe I’m even having this conversation. I shouldn’t even be considering this.”

“Why not?” Holly’s voice floated from behind me, not sounding too upset that I’d said I’d almost killed her son.

“Are you kidding me?” I turned back to her. “Do you know what this would mean to my people? Do you know how they’d react? I mean, God, the very idea—that not all vampires are soulless monsters, that some actually deserve to live. No one would believe it. Even the most liberal of my people would think I was nuts.”

“And what do you believe?” she said.

I lifted my hands and let them fall, a gesture far too hollow and useless to even be called a shrug.

“I don’t know. God, I just don’t know. I can’t—I’ve only known him for three days.” My voice sounded almost pleading, though who I was appealing to I couldn’t have said. “I can’t possibly feel like this after only three days.”

Holly’s smile was so sweet and compassionate I almost couldn’t stand it. “That’s why they call it falling in love. The falling part is easy, and often fast.”

She came to me, and put a hand on my shoulder. “Staying in love is something vastly different.”

Even in Holly’s tender voice it sounded like damnation.